Scene 13As the lights come on, the stage is set to look like the outside of a small wooden house. Frank and David arrive with Brandon's body in front of the house. Frank knocks on the door.
Voice: *from inside, irritated* Go away...
Frank knocks harder until Ryan, dressed as a very old man answers. He looks through a hole cut in the door.
Ryan: What?! What?!
Frank: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Ryan -Max-: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! *Ryan closes a flap over the door hole, but Frank still knocks. Ryan opens the door hole once again, agitated* Beat it or I'll call the brute squad!
David: I'm on the brute squad.
Ryan: *looking at David* You are the brute squad!
Frank: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Ryan: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.
Frank: He's already dead.
Ryan: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. *Ryan opens the door and they enter. Ryan examines Brandon.* I've seen worse.
Frank: Sir...Sir.
Ryan: Huh?
Frank: We're in a terrible rush.
Ryan: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Frank: Sixty-five.
Ryan: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause.
Frank: This is noble sir. *suddenly becomes solemn* His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...
Ryan: *stares at Frank for a moment* Are you a rotten liar.
Frank: *leans over to Ryan, a desperate look in his eyes* I need him to help avenge my father, murdered this twenty years.
Ryan: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.
Frank: *confused* He's dead. He can't talk.
Ryan: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. *He inserts the bellows* Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Frank: What's that?
Ryan: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. *Ryan pumps air into Brandon and yells at him* Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? *Ryan pushes on Brandon's chest*
Brandon: *barely audible* True....love....
Frank: *excited* True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Ryan: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice MLT - Mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated...
Ellen: *dressed up as an old woman, she plays the part of Valeri, Ryan's wife. She rushes into the room, interrupting* Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!
Ryan: Get back, witch!
Ellen -Valeri-: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Ryan: You never had it so good. *Ryan smiles at Frank and tries to avoid Ellen*
Ellen: True love, who said true love, Max?
Ryan: Don't say another word, Valerie...*Frank looks on in disbelief, still trying to avoid Ellen*
Ellen: You're afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has shattered.
Ryan: *yelling* Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name!
Ellen: What, Humperdinck?!
Ryan: *cringes* Ahh!!
Ellen: Humperdinck!
Ryan: Ahh!!
Ellen is chasing Ryan around the room yelling. Ryan is covering his ears.
Ellen: Humperdinck!
Ryan: Ahh!!
Ellen: Humperdinck!
Ryan: Ahh!!
Ellen: *now in a sing-songy voice* Humperdinck.... Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Ryan: I'm not listening!
Ellen: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Ryan: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Ellen: Humperdinck! *She continues to yell 'Humperdinck'*
Frank: *interrupting* This is Buttercup's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Ryan: *to Ellen* Shut up!
Frank: Thank you. Thank you.
Ryan: Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Frank: Humiliations galore!
Ryan: Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!
Ryan, with help from Ellen concocts a pill for Brandon.
Frank: That's a miracle pill?
Ellen: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least...
Ryan: *jumping in* An hour!
Ellen: An hour.
Ryan: ...A good hour.....Here. *gives Frank the pill*
Frank: *leaving* Thank you for everything.
Ryan: Okay! *Frank and David leave, taking Brandon's body with them*
Ellen: Bye bye, boys!
Ryan: Have fun storming the castle!
Ellen: *to Ryan* Think it will work?
Ryan: It would take a miracle.
Ryan and Ellen: *waving* B-bye!