Scene 15

As the lights come on, the entire auditorium has become part of the stage. Up on the stage itself, the scene is set up to look like the castle gate. Frank, David, Brandon, Chris, and many of the other crew members dressed as soldiers are on the stage. In the audience, a carpet is out, props are up, and it all looks like a chapel set-up. Lucy, Jason, Chad, Janet, Ryan, and many other crew members dressed up as random people in the castle are all in the chapel scene. The lighting is focused on both the stage and the audience at the same time. As one scene plays out, the other scene pauses.

In the chapel -audience scene-: Music blares. Jason and Lucy stand before a clergyman. The clergyman, Ryan, has a speech impediment.

Ryan -Clergyman-: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...

From on the stage: the voice of Chris is heard. Immediately the stage scene starts up and the scene in the audience freezes.

Chris: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

David is dressed in the black cloak, and being pushed from behind in the Wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and fearsome!

David: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!

Frank: Now?

Brandon: Not yet.

David: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!

Frank: *barely holding up David* Now?!

Brandon: Light him! *They light David's robe with a torch*

David: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true!

Most of the gate guards scatter in all directions. The action on stage pauses as Ryan continues his part.

Ryan: Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever...

The action in the audience stops as the scene on the stage begins to play out again.

David: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul! *Chris yells for the guards to fight. The rest run.*

Audience:

Ryan: So tweasure you wov...

Jason: *interrupting* Skip to the end!

Ryan: Have you the wing?

Lucy: *to Jason* Here comes my Westley now.

Stage:

David has removed the robe and all the guards except Chris have fled. Chris cuts the rope that's been holding up the portcullis and it begins to close as the three approach.

Brandon: Fezzik, the portcullis! *David lifts the portcullis with some trouble*

Audience:

Jason: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.

Lucy: Then why is there fear behind your eyes.

Stage:

Brandon: *to Chris* Give us the gate key.

Chris: I have no gate key.

Frank: Fezzik, tear his arms off.

Chris: Oh, you mean this gate key. *Chris hands over the key*

Audience:

Ryan: Do you Pwincess Buttecwup...

Jason: *annoyed* Man and wife! Say man and wife!

Ryan: Man and Wife.

Jason: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.

Lucy: He didn't come...

All of the lights go off. When they come back on, the stage has been set up to look like the inside of the castle. David, Frank, and Brandon walk in. David is holding up Brandon, Frank is leading the trio. As they step onto the stage, Nate and four other crew members dressed up as soldiers step onto the stage opposite of them. The two groups pause and look at each other.

Nate: Kill the dark one and the giant but leave the third for questioning.

The guards try to rush by Frank, but are no match for his brilliant swordsmanship. Frank slays all four. Only Nate remains.

Frank: *stares at Nate* Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Just as Frank and Nate prepare to duel, Nate turns around and runs away. Frank chases after Nate, but he darts through a doorway and locks the door behind him. Frank rams the door but is not strong enough to break through.

Frank: Fezzik! *trying to break down the door* I need you!

David: I can't leave him *motions to Brandon* alone!

Frank: He's getting away from me Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!

David: *to Brandon* I'll be right back. *David leans Brandon against a pillar and goes and knocks the door down easily for Frank. While he is helping Frank, one of the curtains close to hide Brandon and the pillar he is leaning against.*

Frank: Thank you. *continues his chase, exiting the stage. David walks over to where he had left Brandon, disappearing behind the curtain.

Chad, Janet, and Lucy come walking onto the stage. The King, being played by Chad, and the Queen, being played by Janet, are escorting Lucy from the chapel.

Chad: Strange wedding...

Janet: Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along. *Janet exits*

Chad: *Lucy kissed him on the forehead* What was that for?

Lucy: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

Chad: *happily* Won't that be nice....She kissed me! *He giggles and he and Lucy exit the stage.*

The lights on the stage go out and then turn to light up the audience which has been set up to look like yet another part of the castle. Nate and Frank are racing around the chairs of the audience, chasing each other. Nate eventually runs into a dead end. Frank is still giving chase. Nate removes a dagger from boot and surprises Frank with it. Nate throws it and stabs Frank in the stomach.

Frank: *falling to his knees* Sorry father, I tried.

Nate: You must be that little Romerian brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been tracing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.

The lights in the audience go out, and then come back onto the stage. The stage has been set up to look like the honeymoon suite in the castle. Lucy and Brandon are both there. Lucy is preparing to kill herself with a knife. Unbeknownst to her, Brandon lies on her bed.

Brandon: There's a shortage of perfect skin in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

Lucy: *startled, drops the knife and runs over to Brandon* Westley! Oh, Westley darling! *she hugs him and examines him all over* Westley, why won't you hold me?

Brandon: Gently... *Brandon has almost no strength*

Lucy: At a time like this, that is all you can think to say? Gently?

Brandon: Gently... *Lucy accidentally bangs Brandon's head on the head-board of the bed, Brandon lets out a groan*

The lights on the stage to out, and then light up the audience once more. The scene is back to Frank and Nate. Frank pulls the dagger from his stomach and tries to stand.

Nate: Good heavens...are you still trying to win? You've got an over developed sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday. *Nate tries to slash Frank through the heart, but Frank blocks the attack. Nate only stabs his arms.*

Frank: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You Killed my father. Prepare to die. *Frank still stumbles and holds his stomach. Nate and Frank exchange attacks.* Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You Killed my father. Prepare to die. *Frank gains strength. He fiercely lunges at Nate, yelling* Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You Killed my father! Prepare to die!

Nate: *frightened and angry* Stop saying that! *is stabbed in the arms by Frank*

Frank: *enraged* Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! *Frank corners Nate and slashes his cheek* Offer me money!

Nate: *hisses* Yes.

Frank: Power too, promise me that. *He slashes his other cheek*

Nate: All that I have and more. Please...

Frank: Offer me anything I ask for.

Nate: Anything you want... *Nate tries a quick move on Frank*

Frank: *plunging his sword into Nate's chest* I want my father back, you son of a bitch! *Nate falls to the floor, dead.* Frank runs off to find Brandon.

The lights fade off from the audience and then light up the stage once more that is still set up as the Honeymoon suite.

Lucy: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?

Brandon: What hideous sin have you committed lately?

Lucy: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

Brandon: It never happened.

Lucy: What?

Brandon: It never happened.

Lucy: But it did! I was there...this old man said man and wife.

Brandon: Did you say I do?

Lucy: Uh...no. We sort of skipped that part.

Brandon: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, your highness? *turns to Jason as he steps onto the stage*

Jason: A technicality that will shortly be remedied...but first things first.. *He draws his sword* To the death!

Brandon: *slowly sitting up* No! To the pain!

Jason: *pauses* I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase?

Brandon: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. You wart-hog-faced buffoon!

Jason: *insulted* That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

Brandon: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose.

Jason: Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Brandon: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!

Jason: And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it!

Brandon: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

Jason: *stares* I think your bluffing.

Brandon: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all. *Slowly, Brandon stands, his sword pointed at Jason's chest* Drop... your... sword.

Jason throws his sword to the ground.

Brandon: Now have a seat. *motions and Jason runs to sit down in a nearby seat* Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.

Lucy ties up Jason.

Just then, Frank comes in.

Frank: Where's Fezzik?

Brandon: I thought he was with you? In that case...*Brandon starts to move then almost fall over*

Frank: *to Lucy* Help him.

Lucy: Why does Westley need helping?

Frank: Because he has no strength.

Jason: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! *Frank points his sword at Him* I knew he was...bluffing.

Frank: Shall I dispatch him for you?

Brandon: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

David: *from over in the audience, David's voice can be heard.* Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? *Frank runs to the edge of the stage and looks out into the audience* Oh...there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. *Lucy and Brandon run to the edge of the stage to see David leading cast members dressed up as four white horses* Hello lady! ...So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did.

Frank: Fezzik, you did something right.

David: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Lucy jumps off the stage and is caught by David.

Frank: *turns to Brandon* You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Brandon: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. *both hop off the stage and the lights go out. Alex voice can be heard speaking as slowly the lights come on to reveal him and Diane sitting at the edge of the stage*

Alex: They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other... *closes the book*

Diane: What?! What?!

Alex: Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

Diane: Well...I don't mind so much.

Alex: Okay. *opens the book and goes back to reading.*

Alex: Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. THE END.

Alex: Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.

Diane: Okay...

Alex: *searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing* Okay... okay... okay...alright... *is about to leave*

Diane: Grandpa. Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

Alex: *turns and chuckles at Diane* As you wish.

All the lights fade out.